The Power of Affirmation

Now that I've got a granddaughter (and a grandson on the way!), I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own experiences as a child and as a parent. If there's one thing I wish I'd received and given more, it's affirmation.

I'm not talking about flattery. Telling a child that s/he's the best player on the team when s/he's not doesn't help. It'll either ring hollow now or set them up for disappointment later. I'm talking about sincerely affirming a child when s/he's demonstrated a valued character trait, or done something well, or given their all.

Some parents do a pretty good job in this area. Me? I think I finished pretty well, but early on, I didn't do that great a job. I focused way to much on "teaching moments"... opportunities to give advice, instruct, correct, etc. But as my wife says, "Not every moment is a teaching moment." She knew better than I that spending too much time telling a child where s/he needs to improve ends up sending the message that they just don't measure up. I think I could have been more effective as a parent if I'd spent more energy, particularly in those early years, looking for opportunities to affirm, not just teach.

In my case, it was perfectionism that drove me to correct more than affirm. Here are a few more excuses I've heard for not affirming:

1. Giving too much praise, even when it's well deserved, will give a kid a swelled head. Nonsense. Take a look at all of the kids you knew growing up. The ones with inferiority complexes, the ones who would've given anything to have someone cheering for them far outnumbered the swelled heads.
   
   
2. Or how about this one: Telling them they did a great job will make them rest on their laurels and not strive to do better. Yeah, right. The same parent who withholds praise so that their child will push him/herself harder will go to a baseball game and cheer 'til they're hoarse to root their team on to victory. Would that they were as vocal a cheerleader for their own kids.

Thankfully, it's never too late for a parent to do a course correction. Seek opportunities to affirm, pursue them with the same passion you did those teaching moments, and you'll begin to rewrite your legacy. Trust me on this one.